FRINGE BENEFITS!

one of the benefits of visiting cabo san lucas (as if we needed another reason) was the selection of tequila and liqueurs that could be purchased. CHEAP!

as i've mentioned before, my location prevents me from the luxuries of cabo wabo anejo and damiana. and if i ever CAN find them, they are very expensive. so i was extremely happy when i got to cabo and found damiana for $11/bottle and anejo for $45/bottle.

acquiring these bottles gave me the proper ingredients for the CaboBlogo, a drink which had never touched this CaboMasters lips up to this point.

before i go into the details, let me just show you the treasures i acquired from the Cabo Wabo Cantina gift shop:

so, obviously, the CaboMistress and i were anxious to taste this wonderful drink upon our arrival at home. we get home at 12:30am, and probably should've gone to sleep.

but no. the CaboBlogo beckoned.

so i fire up a round, making SURE i follow Drunk Guy's recipe to the letter. here is the result:

please note the prescription drug bottles in the background

now, if you are at ALL aware of the recipe, you realize that this drink contains THREE shots of tequila, so you might expect it to be strong.

let me dispel all doubts.

THIS IS THE GREATEST FUCKING DRINK IN THE HISTORY OF TIME AND SPACE!!!!

the cabomistress and i were absolutely blown away. and i do not mean to blaspheme, but i trule believe that this magical creation is actually BETTER than the waborita.

i know what you're thinking...but do yourself, and me, and sammy a favor. go out, take whatever means necessary to acquire the ingredients, and:


TRY

THIS

FUCKING

DRINK

ASAP


i promise you, you will NOT be disappointed.

in fact, i've started a petition (which i will send to the cabo wabo cantina once we get enough signatures) to have the CaboBlogo officially added to the list of drinks offered at the Cabo Wabo Cantina.

please sign it.

NOW!!!!

A TASTE OF HEAVEN - BACK TO HELL

i have returned from heaven on earth aka cabo san lucas, and more specifically the cabo wabo cantina. there was triumph, there was pain, there was death, there was resurrection! where to begin?

let's start with the reunion of the cabomasters and cabomistress. the power was amazing. the hand of god (sammy) reached down and touched us all. lucky for you, blog reader, this event was captured on film:

lord hagar greets his followers

this cabo summit was indeed an important one, as we discussed the plan of attack for our conquest of the baja! the plan was, get as drunk as possible on cabo wabo tequila and then let the KILLING begin!!!!

step one: visit the cabo wabo cantina!

on our first night, we decided to make the visit to mecca! this was truly a moving experience to know that we were in the house of our lord. i was nearly in tears. upon arrival, we promptly ordered up a round of the trinity (for those of you who don't know what the fuck that is, it is a shot of blanco, shot of reposado, shot of anejo).

FEAR THE POWER, MORTAL!

to consume the trinity IN the cabo wabo cantina itself is something that i cannot put into words. it was at this moment that i believe i reached FULL enlightment! a shaft of light came down from the heavens and illuminated our table! i was hoping that sammy would reach down again, grab myself and my fellow cabomasters throw us into the pacific so we could float away to our destiny...

PROPHECY FULFILLED?!?!?!

but, alas, it was not to be. lord hagar obviously had other plans for his loyal disciples...

FINAL THOUGHTS

my bags are packed and i am ready to head to the cabomistress's residence to prepare for our trip!
i just can't believe that 24 hours from now i will be in the holiest of holy lands, cabo san lucas. the home of what drives me to keep living.

expect a full report upon my return. it will be quite an experience to gather the 3 cabomasters together once again!

may sammy bless you!!!!!

PASSPORT = LOCATED!

in my bag that i last used to travel to sandy eggo! apparently i thought while i was there we might make a quick trip to tijuana so i packed the passport just in case.

so, the date draws near and the cabo wabo meltdown lineup is in place:

sammy hagar & the waboritas
tommy lee
jerry cantrell

should be pretty fucking sweet. i'm not looking forward to a mass of people, since i hate people and wish they would all die unless they are fans of cabo, but i will be drunk on anejo the entire time so i should be ok.

cabomistress is ready as well. i think i might cry when i enter the cabo wabo cantina for the first time.

i am serious.

i am actually taking a shit right now. wireless networking rulez!

DIE DIE DIE!!!!

2 days 6 hours 55 minutes 45 seconds to cabo and i STILL haven't found my fucking passport!!!!

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!

worst case scenario, i will have to drive to my parents house and pick up my birth certificate before i head to the airport. but it was only like 5 months ago that my mom dropped off my passport and i KNOW i put it fucking somewhere but i can't remember wheres!

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

sammy! GIVE ME STRENGTH!!!!!!

7 days

just like The Ring, i now have 7 days.

till the most incredible moment of my life: MY ARRIVAL IN CABO SAN LUCAS, MEXICO!

it will be a powerful feeling when myself, the cabomistress and my fellow cabomasters unite in the holiest of holy places! we are going to attempt to gain an audience with Lord Hagar. i truly believe that if such a summit occurs, the world will be changed forever. i have been so drunk on Cabo Wabo tequila these last few weeks, it's been amazing. you could say i've been training for my pilgrimage. i'd like to just call it "PURE ENLIGHTENMENT". i'm sure upon my return i shall have many stories to share, but i seriously doubt mere mortals will be able to comprehend the full breadth of their meaning, the INFLUENCE that these experiences have on world affairs!
shit. i think i need a shot!

update!

been a whiles!
soon though (in 4 days), my life will resume some sort of normalcy and i will be blogging! i have tons of shit to blog but this one was so important i had to get it done now.

the other day i drop the CaboMistress off at home on my way to the studio. but i can't work at the studio without beer, so after i drop her off i stop at the liquor store to pick up a 12 pack. well, as i do with all liquor stores, i inspect the selection. i go back, pretty decent selection actually, even had some shit i didn't recognize.

most importantly though, top shelf i spot the Cabo Wabo Blanco and...

what is this?

Cabo Wabo Reposado indeed.

BUT, not just your every day Cabo Wabo Reposado. the OLD cabo wabo reposado bottle that was discontinued 2 years ago (i think)!

now, the CaboMistress had just bought me a BRAND new bottle of reposado the other day (girls, take note. buy bottles of reposado for CaboMasters), but i'd never seen the old bottle in these there parts! do i purchase?

STUPID FUCKING QUESTION! OF COURSE I DO!!!!!!

which leads to a preview of next weekend.

THE ULTIMATE MOTHERFUCKING TEQUILA SHOWDOWN!!!!

CABO WABO REPOSADO vs. CABO WABO REPOSADO

so there IS a meaning to life after all. thank you sammy!

COUNTDOWN!

Yes, i've been slacking Agave Princess. Still, you should be honored to be lumped in with me as I am a CaboMaster as well!

Please note the countdown above. Yes, boys and girls, that is counting down to the moment my plane touches down at SJD for 3.5 days of the most intense CaboWabo experience ever. I believe we're set to arrive at approx. 1:30 PST (we being myself and the CaboMistress). We will meet up with my fellow CaboMasters immediately upon arrival and proceed to RULE OVER ALL OF CABO SAN LUCAS WITH AN IRON AGAVE!!!!

In addition to the clock i need to have a poll to ask whether we'll make it back alive or not!

YEAH!`

i'm drunk!

conquistador

just a refresher...here is the list of tequilas conquered so far by cabo wabo!

Corazon Reposado
Patron Silver (though not yet in head to head competition i believe)
Monte Alban Mezcal
Herradura Reposado
Tres Generaciones Anejo
Berrueco Single Barrel Reposado
Don Julio Anejo
Chinaco Reposado
Jose Cuervo Tradicional (100% Agave)
Sauza Commemorativo Anejo

i know it's a little early to be thinking of the next showdown, but i'm thinking i'm gonna try the patron reposado against cabo. i've had the blanco and it was alright. i might even try a cuervo product in the next showdown...like the 1800 or the la familia reserve or whatever that shit is. it's like $85 a bottle though! SEND MONEY!!!!

showdown ANALysis

now that i've had some time to reflect on yesterday's events (i.e. sober up), i figured i'd give you my thoughts on the whole thing, since i know you care!

leading up to the event, i must admit i was pretty nervous. i had tried all the tequilas before in various forms, but i was afraid my palate is not as refined as some of my fellow CaboMasters. I was most worried about the blind taste test round. as in the first tequila showdown, held by my fellow cabomasters, the name of the game was HONESTY in juging these tequilas.

i was also a little concerned because of the corazon. when i first tried it, i was pretty impressed. it was the first tequila that i'd had that could really stand up to cabo. very smooth shit! again, the blind taste test portion of the showdown would be the true test of these tequilas. would cabo be able to conquer this newcomer?!?

about halfway through the competition though, cabo showed me that i had nothing to worry about. cabo was the second shot in the blind taste test. as i did the old "sniffity sniff" before the shot, i knew what it was. "hello, old friend. i love you. now is your time to SHINE!"

and SHINE IT DID!

as soon as that sweet sweet nectar hit my lips it was like the time when daddy finally stopped beating me.

relief.
rolaids.
rectal burning.

looking back, i probably should've give cabo a 10.0 in that second round because it TRULY stood out among the rest of the contenders. but i didn't want to seem biased (i am, after all, a cabomaster).

by the time the 3rd round came, i knew cabo would be king (shit, i knew all along, really, but this just sealed the deal). the margarita round is definitely cabo's strength, like lance armstrong and the mountain stages.

sammy, i love you.

now to talk a little bit about the other competitors.

corazon. came pretty close, but no cigar buddy! i will say, even though i gave it a 9.0 in the margarita stage, i really don't like it in a margarita. shots? yes. very good. but a margarita made with corazon is strange. it's like the sweetness of the corazon cancels out the bitterness of the lime and you get dullness! try it sometime...i would definitely recommend this though if, for some reason, someone can't get their hands on cabo.

tres generaciones. this one actually did better than i thought it would. very solid and consistent tequila. did well in the shot rounds, and makes a decent margarita. would purchase this again.

don julio. a disappointment. especially for an anejo. especially considering sammy's statement about it in this interview. actually, now that i re-read his statement i see why i didn't like it. i think it was too aged (to me). like sammy says "It tasted like scotch". i think the oak flavor was too overpowering. i probably won't purchase this one any time soon.

overall, an awesome and enlightening experience...one that i hope to repeat again in the future (a. if i hit the fucking lottery and b. if my liver doesn't fall out of my ass)

TEQUILA SHOWDOWN RESULTS!

now is probably not the right time to be posting this since i'm totally trashed but here goes:

tequila showdown EC went as planned. round 1 - randomly selected shot order (chosen by cabomistress). round 2 - blind test (chosen/poured by cabomistress). round 3 - margarita test. awesomeness.

in case you need to be reminded, the contenders were:



Round 1: taste test (not blind). randomly selected
order. here was the order:

Results of round 1.
Tres Generaciones - very sweet. smooth. slight
bite (harsh) on finish. not too much burn. a TOUCH of peppery taste.
score: 7.5
Cabo Wabo - very smooth. sweet like honey with
a very light oak flavor. awesome finish. score: 9.0
Don Julio - lots of oak. not much agave flavor
(overshadowed by oak). harsh finish. score: 6.0
Corazon - smooth. chocolate/caramel flavor. slight
taste of oak. minimal burn on finish. score: 8.0
Round 2: BLIND taste test. randomly selected order
(by an unbiased referee). here are the shots:

Round 2 results:
Shot 1 (don julio) - pretty harsh finish. very
woody flavor. score: 7.0
Shot 2 (cabo wabo) - totally awesome. very smooth.
(cabomistress comments: "cabomaster is getting more intoxicated
with each shot - keep this in mind"). score: 9.0
Shot 3 (corazon) - very sweet. almost too sweet.
smooth at first but a little harsh at the finish. score: 8.0
Shot 4 (tres) - caramel flavor. very smooth. score:
8.0
NOTE: as this was a blind taste test i was also trying
to figure out which shot was which. i got the first 2 right, but
switched the second 2.
Round 3:
Half margaritas made with each. At this point i was totally trashed.

Round 3 results:
LET THE WANGING BEGIN!!!!
tres - sweet & flowery. score: 7.5
corazon - really smooth. almost too smooth, can't
even taste tequila! score: 9.0
don julio - oak flavor overpowers everything.
ass juice. score: 6.0
cabo wabo - perfection. seriously. score: 10.0

FINAL RESULTS!!!!

cabo wabo - 28.0
corazon - 25.0
tres generaciones - 23.0
don julio - 19.0
PIC OF ME WITH THE CHAMPION TEQUILA:

divine intervention

sometimes the power of sammy works in very mysterious ways.

last weekend, the cabomistress and i were out at a bar/restaurant that had a wide selection of tequilas. we had dinner, then went up to the bar where i ordered up a shot of cabowabo reposado (of course). as we were sitting there, i overheard the bartender talking to a customer about "one of the top 5 tequilas in the world." my ears perked up...i was intrigued to hear which tequila he was referring to. corazon. i'd heard the name before but had never tried it. alas, tonight would not be the night, as we had somewheres else to be.

sunday afternoon, we were hanging out, i was in the mood for a waborita. no cabo in the house. liquor store closes at 5. it's 4:43. i grab the cabomistress and we JET to the liquor store. this was truly an amazing trip, sammy's powers were obvious from the very start. we did not hit one light the entire trip. sammy wanted me to succeed in my quest for cabo. it was as if he was guiding me. as a matter of fact, i don't even remember having my hands on the steering wheel the entire trip! SAFETY FIRST, KIDS!!!!

so we arrive at the liquor store at 4:55. no problem, i know exactly what to look for. i head back to the tequila section...i am eyeing up the selection as i approach and...WHAT IS THIS??!

NO CABO WABO?!?!? SAMMY, WHY DO YOU MOCK ME?!?!?!

at this point i was very confused. didn't sammy just give me the desire for cabo at the 11th hour?? didn't sammy just clear my pathway to the store so i could fulfill this desire??

as i cleared my thoughts, though, i noticed an interesting shape on the liquor store shelf. yes, i'd seen it before. it was the unmistakable phallic corazon bottle.

sammy, you are too much!!!! sammy didn't bring me here for cabo. he saw my interest in the corazon the night before and wanted me to experience it. as Drunk Guy has said on numerous occassions, cabo fears no competitor. cabo WANTS you to partake in other tequilas because CABO KNOWS THAT IT IS THE SUPREME RULER BEYOND ALL TIME AND SPACE!

so i bought the corazon and we went home and tried it. very nice. final judgement will be reserved for tequila showdown EC, but i will say that cabomistress enjoyed the corazon very much (possibly because of the shape of the bottle)!!!!

THE CONTENDERS

Below are the fighters for sunday's tequila showdown EC!

CABO WABO REPOSADO

Weighing in at 750ml and wearing the blue trunks!

---

CORAZON REPOSADO

Weighing in at 750ml and wearing the clear trunks! (WHOAH!)

---

DON JULIO ANEJO

Weighing in at 750ml and wearing the brown trunks!

---

TRES GENERACIONES ANEJO

Weighing in at 750ml and wearing the dark brown trunks!

THE CONTEST

As you all SHOULD know by now, Tequila Showdown EC is coming up in a mere 4 days.
Here is the tentative plan:

Round 1:
randomly generate shot order...let's just assume we did this already....
1/2 shot of tres generaciones anejo
1/2 shot of corazon reposado
1/2 shot of cabo wabo reposado
1/2 shot of don julio anejo

corona with lime to cleanse the palate.

Round 2:
blind taste test. Have the referee (CaboMistress) pour 1/2 shot of each (without me looking) and hand them to me.
let's say she did that.
1/2 shot of cabo wabo reposado
1/2 shot of tres generaciones anejo
1/2 shot of don julio anejo
1/2 shot of corazon reposado

i will then attempt to determine which tequila was which.

corona with lime to cleanse the palate.

Round 3:
the margarita test. prepare 4 half-margaritas using each tequila
1/2 tresgeneracionesita
1/2 donjulioita
1/2 corazonita
1/2 waborita
margaritas will be prepared using the same ingredients and proportions.
1 shot of tequila
1/2 shot of lime
1/4 shot of grand marnier

each tequila will be scored in each round on a 1-10 scale.
i will then average the scores to determine the victor!

TEQUILA SHOWDOWN - EC

ok, i have tons of shit to blog but i am fairly trashed on tequila right now. but i just want to inform my fellow CaboMasters that I am planning Tequila Showdown (East Coast) for this coming sunday!
here are the contenders:

Tres Generaciones Anejo
Don Julio Anejo
Corazon Reposado
Cabo Wabo Reposado

I have already sampled all 4 for purposes of research. I shall detail the plan for this showdown in a near future blog!
me = fucked up!
damn.

CABORIFIC!

ok, last weekend was another caborific weekend!

thursday: we go to see blur. we decide to hit this bar beforehand. i order up some beers and my girl says: "hey look, they have cabo".
ok. marriage. let's talk about it. fucking she picked OUT the cabo bottle without having much cabo experience! so i'm like "well, we have to do a shot." they had blanco and reposado. so she says "OK". again. wedding bells. at the cabo wabo cantina. we do the shot, happiness ensues. fucking awesome

friday: i talked about it below. fuck off.

saturday: she wants to go to get some mexican food. i am totally down. we go to don pablos. i inspect the menu for their margaritas. all i see is the devil's name. cuervo. fuck. me. death.
waitress comes and asks for our drinks.
me: "is cuervo pretty much the only tequila you have?"
her: "no, we have anything you want."
me: "are you sure about that?"
her: "what are you looking for?"
me: "cabo wabo."
her: "yeah, we have that!"
me (in head): "FUCKING NICE!!!!!!!"

so we order up some of their "preferred margaritas" made with cabo. have one of the best meals of my life. the fucking bartender comes out and starts talking to me about tequila and he's like "are there any other tequilas you're interested in?"

me: "AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED THIS IS THE ONLY TEQUILA OUT THERE, MOTHERFUCKER!!! SO GO BACK BEHIND THE BAR WHERE YOU BELONG AND POUR SOME MORE CUERVO SHOTS FOR THE MERE MORTALS!!! OH YEAH, DIE YOUNG!!!!"

so, we had a pretty caborific weekend. thursday, friday and saturday were full of cabo!

OH SHIT!!!!! ALMOST FORGOT!

after don pablos we went out to a bar and put some tunes on the jukebox and of COURSE we fucking put on:

SAMMY HAGAR & THE WABORITAS: MAS TEQUILA

it's ok to be jealous of me....

another one bites the dust

ok, i told you about my "portable waborita" experience. well, to be honest, i don't think it went all that well. she got drunk, but wasn't able to fully realize the power and smoothness of the drink. so a week later, i bring her over to wangCentral for a TRUE waborita experience.
ok.
BUT!
i have no reposado. i go to my liquor store. none. i go to the liquor store 15 minutes from me. none. i plan on picking her up at 7 so i figure i'd hit some liquor stores on the way. nope. traffic.

FUCK!

go to dinner. on the way back we hit like 3-4 places! finally we find someone with the reposado! VICTORY!

ok, so we arrive back at wangCentral. conditions are ideal for waboritas. i make the first drink. not so hot a pour, but a great drink. NOW she realizes the power of cabo. she knew before (please see next blog post), but now she knows why i fucking worship the shit!

here's a pic:



AWESOME!!!!

portable cabo

friends...been a whiles. i been busy with whatever, but you don't care so fuck it. let me tell you about my idea friday though.
a friend and I had planned to go to the beach, since i've been wanting to go so bad for a while but just haven't been able to cause i'm so busy. i've also been trying to get this friend to try cabo for like 2 weeks. so my brainstorm is, "i will mix up some waboritas, place them in water bottles and stick them in a cooler and we'll drink them at the beach."
now, this is a touchy touchy touchy subject. i usually only perform conversions under IDEAL circumstances. i will admit, sipping cabo out of a plastic water bottle is FAR from ideal. BUT, it IS cabo we're speaking of. i consulted a fellow cabomaster regarding the situation, and he advised me to proceed as planned. he too was confident that the strength of sammy would shine through in even the most unfavorable conditions.
so i mix up the waboritas, prepare the bottles. i was able to fit about 4 waboritas in each bottle! FUCKING AWESOME!!!! i warned my friend when we got down there that if she drank the entire thing we'd probably end up at the hospital getting her stomach pumped!
now, when i made these and poured them in the bottle, i did a taste test, to make sure hers wasn't too strong. it was pretty f'ing strong (i calculated approx. 27-30% alcohol.) and i used my standard waborita recipe. but here's my theory on the "strength" of the drink:
when i usually make a waborita, it is poured into a martini glass. a martini glass has a large opening, which i believe dissipates the alcohol smell (relative strength) well.
in a water bottle, however, there's only that little hole for the scent to dissipate from. so i believe the smell is stronger, hence the 'relative strength'.

i swear, if i don't fucking win a nobel prize for this important research i'm gonna fucking kill someone.

ok, so we get to the beach and break out the waborita bottles. to me, they taste awesome (keep in mind, mine was made with blanco, hers with reposado and anejo, so she basically had a fucking $40 bottle of liquid gold).
initially, she was taken aback, i think by the sheer power that she was feeling. but, like a true cabo devotee, she didn't fear the power. instead, she embraced it. she fought through the cloud of "lies and deceit" re: tequila and found her own path to enlightenment.
another conversion.
another disciple of sammy.
thank you for listening. time for a shot of blanco!

me = self-checkout KING!

oh shit. almost forgot. as you all know i go to get a salad almost daily at lunch and am very proud of my self-checkout powers!

well, my boss has been talking up his shit too. so one day we go and he's like "how are you paying today? cash?" and i'm like "shit, bitch, you want to take me on??! BRING IT!"

now usually i have a 5 dollar bill (cause my shit always comes in under that), but on this occassion i only had ones (must've been at the strip bar the night before). so i'm at a little bit of a disadvantage already.

we wait in line, and let other people go before us until we can get two of the terminals next to each other at the same time.

alright...the time has come. i fucking hit the "BEGIN" button. before the stupid fucking computer even gets out two words i hit the "Produce/No Barcode" chumpy.

i fucking place my salad right on the thing and as SOON as the selection screen comes up i hit salad bar. my boss is still trying to figure out if his salad has a bar code at this point! and my shit's already been weighed and in the BAG! FUCK, I'M GOOD!!!

i hit "End order" wit da quicknez, then fucking say "NO" to bonus savings card and coupons, and proceed to choose my payment method (cash).

at this point my boss's salad is still being weighed on the scale. so i go over and start flirting with one of the hot grocery store employees. i get her number and then head back to the terminal to insert my bills one at a time.

of course, being the SUPER BAD SALAD BAR MOTHERFUCKER that i am, my salad total (with tax) came to EXACTLY $3 so no need for change...i just grab my receipt and my victory and continue going through life knowing that i am the BEST SELF-CHECKOUT LINE PERSON EVER!!!

this skill will come in handy when i get fired.

shit!

it's been a long fucking time. i've been busy as shit. i know that's no excuse. let's see. where have i been in the last two weeks? shit i don't even know. here's the most important thing:

I AM DRINKING A WABORITA RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!!!!

my second one of the night and i am a little buzzed. i haven't slept barely at all in the last week....
i noticed that my fellow cabomaster has performed tequila showdown #1.

i had an impromptu showdown of sorts this past weekend. i was out playing a gig, and in between sets went out to the bar on the patio or whatever cause it was hot as fuck inside. asked for a yuengling lager. i had already had a waborita or 2 earlier in the day. the bartender proceeds to tell me that they don't serve bottles out on the deck. WELL FUCK YOU ASSHOLE! so i just go "alright give me a shot of tequila." of course the only piss-shit they have is cuervo.

but i do it, just to show all fucking non-believers that the strength that cabo gives me allows me to CONQUER ALL FUCKING TEQUILAS BEYOND TIME AND SPACE AND LEAVE SMASHED AND EMPTY SHOT GLASSES IN MY WAKE AS I PROCEED TO MECCA (cabo wabo cantina).

so the jose shot arrives. no licking. no sucking. just slamming that piece of shit. and fucking RULING OVER IT FOR ALL OF ETERNITY!

fuck, i think the girl next to me fainted because of my awesome display of power. so i kicked her while she was passed out on the ground.

then i screamed "SAMMY!!! YOU ARE ALL POWERFUL!!!! JOSE IS SATAN!!!!!!"

people looked at me funny. so i killed them.

express yourself

You know earlier when i was talking about my love for the self-checkout lines at grocery stores?
ok. i need to propose some changes...i don't know about your childhood, but for a couple years, i belonged to a swim club, and in order for them to be able to tell which kids could swim in which sections they implemented "the band system." basically you just wore a rubber/plastic band on your wrist or ankle that said if you were a fucking jellyfish or a shark.
if you had a yellow band, you were in the kiddie pool.
green band, fucking floating around the 3ft area with your floaties on!
red band, chillin in the 5-6 foot section and could dive off the spring board.
BLACK BAND, you are the fucking pool badass. spring board, high board, shallow end, deep end. shit, you're probably even nailin' some hot high school life guard ass behind the fucking snack bar!

i believe this system needs to be implemented when it comes to the self-checkout line at grocery stores.

today, i went for my typical salad lunch. fucking tear through the salad bar like i always do and head to self-checkout.

what is this? what's this crowd that's gathered? did someone die?

nope, just dumb fucks who have NO business using that shit holding up MY lunch! seriously...i'm in a major hurry to get back to work and do nothing.
here's what i propose. give everyone one of those bonus club card thingies.
at the start of every transaction, you have to swipe your card. if you don't have it: FUCK YOU!
program some sort of timer from the time the card is swiped to the time of the end of the transaction...average them out. at the end of every transaction tell the customer their time and their average time and their "EXPRESS YOURSELF LEVEL". then have DEDICATED express check-out machines for "super fucking express yourself badasses" like me!

when i get laid off i will get a job at a grocery store and implement this system!
out!

my job

here's a picture of me at work.

waborita choices

this is in response to the TRUE cabo master's question regarding my use of grand marnier in the waborita.
i apparently live in the fucking liquor ghetto. i have to drive 50 some miles just to get a god damn bottle of anejo. is it worth it? abso-fucking-lutely. i mean, i went to my closest liquor store the other day to get a bottle of reposado. it was the last one and i took it to the counter and the guy was like "i need to take your picture. YOU and ONE OTHER GUY have enough courage to buy this stuff." i'm like "motherfucker you better re-stock this shit wit da motherfucking quiknez cause i'll fucking tear it up in a weekend and see your ass on monday!"
my point being. i am TRYING. i can't even find orange citronge. i can't even get a fucking shit ass bottle of blue curacao without travelling to another fucking state.
i agree. f the fucking french. f grand marnier. f everything except for fucking sammy hagar, cabo wabo tequila and the band van halen at the exact moment that they were recording the song "cabo wabo". fucking seriously.
my shit-ass liquor store stocks fucking bullshit. i want to enlighten them, but no one around this area will appreciate it.
the GOOD news is, i was on the damiana site and saw that they have a distributor in DE. just a state or so away. so i will fucking seek that shit out!
so, cabo master, i hope you realize that you are fortunate to have the perfect waborita ingredients within arms reach...some of us are not so lucky, but we aspire to ONE DAY be like you!!!!!!!
FUCK YEAH!!!!

friday recap

friday MIGHT have been the greatest day so far in my relationship with cabo.
but let's jump back to thursday. after work, went to a work-related happy hour. it was about 107 degrees (heat index) and i was drinking coronas and shit and hanging out. left there around 10:45. came home, had 2 waboritas! so by this point i'm pretty trashed...wake up the next morning at like 9 fucking 30! very late! head to work, walk straight into my boss's office and say "uh, by the way, i'm taking a half day today."
proceed to accomplish nothing...just super dead tired and shit. so i leave around 2:30, go pick up some reposado and some coronas for friday evening. but i'm tired. so i get home, i'm thinking 2 hour nap then drink.
nope.
roommate comes home starts having coldies. now, it would be WRONG for me to let him drink alone right? so i fire up the waboritas. have 2. then we decide to go hit some golf balls (we live on a golf course). so we go out to the 3rd hole and start hitting around.
ok, aside time. friday was like thursday, fucking hot and humid and all this shit. but right around 7-7:30pm, cold front moves in, haze/humidity gone and it was absolutely the most perfect fucking weather known to man. it was fucking awesome.
ok, back to golf. so we're out there in this perfect weather, and we think "well, let's play a hole." so we go to the 4th (a par 4) and play it. then we're like "let's play another one." we played like 4-5 holes and it was fucking fun! FREE!!!! NICE HIT!!!!
so, we get in from golfing, so it's basically anejo shot time. do the shot.
ok. this is where things get interesting. i BELIEVE that i had at least 6 waboritas AFTER golf.
plus 2 shots of anejo
plus 2 coronas.

ok.

that makes:
8 waboritas total (16 shots of tequila)
2 anejo shots (2 shots of tequila)
2 beers (0 shots of tequila)

in one night. about from 4:30pm to 1am.

HOW AM I STILL FUCKING ALIVE?!?!?
i'll tell you how: cabo motherfucking wabo!

learn it, live it, love it!

AND IT'S 4:49AM on sunday AND I'M HAVING A WABORITA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cabo related thoughts

let's talk about adult A.D.D. i have made an important cabo-related decision. i believe i will be foregoing the salt on the rim of the waborita glass in the future. ok ok ok. i know what you're thinking, i am disrespected the sanctity of the waborita. but hear me out. why do we drink waboritas? to taste cabo (and to get totally fucking hammered). any additions to the mix just hide the true taste of the cabo. granted, sometimes the taste of cabo is ENHANCED by other flavors. it's a classic case of the whole being greater than the sum of its parts. but here's the thing. i think the salt is TOO much. let me refresh your fucking memory in case you are too damn IGNORANT to remember the waborita recipe:

1 shot FRESH-SQUEEZED lime juice
2 shots cabo wabo reposado
1/3 shot grand marnier

shake and pour into salt-rimmed martini glass. add a SPLASH of blue curacao.

the beauty of it is that it is simple. all the ingredients work together to create the most amazing liquid pleasure known to man. BUT.
BUT!

BUTT!!!!!!!

cabo is sweet and beautiful. the lime and the grand marnier provide that citrus-y/bitterness. the blue curacao is basically there for effect. it's like those snow cones with the gumball at the bottom.
my point here is: the salt adds TOO much bitterness. i've experimented with various amounts of salt. i've experimented with no salt at all. and i must say, i prefer the salt-free waborita.
every once in a while i will add salt to the rim for old times sake. but i would say, by default, my waboritas will be salt-less.

ALSO!

here's my question. when i make a waborita. it usually takes about 3/4 lime to squeeze a shot worth of juice. at the cabo wabo cantina, i would say a waborita gets ordered every 30 seconds. how do they provide the fresh-squeezed lime?
someone please answer me at cabofrigginwabo@yahoo.com.

time for another waborita!!!!!

I LOVE THE 80s!

seriously! anytime this stupid fucking show is on VH-1, i watch it.
i'm watching lionel richie right now...thankfully i'm drunk on cabo, so lionel still rules the bootyhole!
BUT, here you go...fucking "EASY" by the commodores is a kick-ass song and if you don't think so then fucking die young!
HOSTILE DRUNKENNESS RULEZ!!!!!

ketchup!

shit. let me start off by thanking the Cabo Fucking Master for getting me off my ass and posting. for like the past week i've been thinking "shit, i don't have anything to blog" but i now realize that i have a lot of fucking shit going on that is blog-worthy! and even if it's not you're gonna hear about it anyway so deal.
more conversion stories.

tough guy (not to be confused with tough nuts) and the stealth funk - a couple of my friends came into town this weekend and i knew it would be a prime time to perform a conversion or two...but we had some shit to do during the day saturday, so here's how i planned my attack! first, they were running a little late so we basically had to leave my house right after they got here, but i was smart. i pre-squeezed the limes (not too far in advance, so that shit was still fresh yo!) so when they got here all i had to do was mix, prepare the glasses and pour (and drink of course!) so we each had one waborita then headed on our way. out drinking and shit all day, get home. i start making a waborita. by this time, these guys were pretty tired, but they were inspired enough to ask for a waborita as well. so i made them one too. THEN, i break it out: the fucking anejo. i'm gonna do the ytinirt (that's "trinity" backwards for any screwhead dolts out there!) amazed and envious of my powers, my friends want to do shots with me, but they know they can't handle the trinity, so they each did a shot of anejo! fucking awesome!!!!

man, all this talk about conversions and shit has made me thirsty. WABORITA TIME, BABY!!!!!

CHECK IT!
i have been high on the cabo for like the last fucking week straight.
FUCK!
where to begin. let me just say, the fucking spread of the cabo word on the east coast is starting to get crazy! this is a full-time fucking job.
let's list my converts thus far:

my roommate - just returned from a 7 month stay in amsterdam, so you KNOW he knows quality shit. i started easy on him. i wasn't proclaiming the word like i do now. i was just dropping subtle hints: leaving limes on the counter, putting empty waborita glasses in the sink, removing all items from the fridge and leaving only an empty reposado bottle in there, walking around the house with no pants on. you get the picture.
eventually he got the picture, and i made him a waborita. can you say "INSTANT ENLIGHTENMENT"?!? now the guy is all over my fucking tequila (this is a problem). last night we were hanging out and he was like "i want to do the trinity!" i thought to myself "hmmm...can he HANDLE the trinity?" but i realized that sammy wants me to spread the word. sammy WANTS the cabo to be enjoyed by ALL enlightened people. so we did the trinity.
this just in: I WAS FUCKING HAMMERED!

my roommate's brother and friend - one rainy saturday, the boyz came over for some beers. feeling adventurous, i decided to try a TRIPLE conversion...
first, let them all SMELL the cabo. this is a key step. you don't want them going in cold...only because most people are afraid of tequila, because all their lives all they've drank is absolute SHIT WATER and they aren't prepared for the liquid gold that is cabo. so you want to prep them, sort of like saying: "by the way, you are about to drink the most fucking awesomest fucking drink in the history of all time AND space, fucknut, so be ready to wet yourself!"
after they all smelled the bottle (and were obviously impressed), i made them their first waboritas. they were amazed, but i wasn't quite sure if they had been converted yet, so i laid back a little, made some idle chatter, tried to get their vibe. then they asked for more cabo. my work was complete. the triple conversion had been executed.

my cube neighbor at work - now, this guy rarely drinks, if ever. but i started talking about cabo wabo at work (including it in network diagrams, database design docs, performance reviews, etc) and he was like "where can i get it? i love tequila." so one day i come into work and he's like "DUDE, i got some of the reposado last night. it was good." ok, "good" is hardly the word to describe the fucking AURA of cabo, but i let it slide...for NOW. so we talked about it for a while and i told him of my quest for anejo and shit. then a few days later he asked for the waborita recipe, so i sent him the "official" recipe (from cabowabo.com) and then my variation on it (basically, less lime). next day he comes in and says: "thanks for the recipe, i tried it last night...awesome!" i'm like that's cool. then he says, "i think i might have to take up drinking again."
OK, THAT is fucking huge. to this point, the conversions i've executed have been with people who were drinkers, i just showed them the error of their ways and pointed out that they need to focus their drinking efforts on cabo. in THIS dude's case, not only did i get him to drink cabo, BUT i got the guy fucking drinking again. ok, i shouldn't say "I" got him drinking again, i should say "lord sammy reached down and touched his soul."

i have more conversion stories but i'm gonna go do a shot of anejo right now! FUCK YEAH!

i am using a new blogging tool. what does this mean to YOU, the typical wang central reader? nothing.
thanks.

by the way. all you fuckers should be watching the food network right now in hopes that you MIGHT...MIGHT be lucky enough to catch a glimpse of sammy!
he's on there. check foodnetwork.com or whatever the fuck to find it....i can't spoonfeed you the ENTIRE way to enlightenment....part of the journey is venturing out on your own....JERKASS!

can you HANDLE the truth?
cause i'm ready to spew it.

that's what she said.

seriously folks, let's get serious. like phil collins.
for MONTHS i was down on EVERYTHING. job, band, life, lack of holes in which to stick my wang...
i can HONESTLY say (and i swear on lord hagar's grave (from which he shall be resurrected after his death))...since i did the trinity i have been a MUCH happier human.
i can't explain it...i really can't. my job is still the same. my band is still the same. i still lack wang-holes!
yet it is like i am floating above the rest of existance...
a friend of mine suggested something interesting the other day....do the trinity in reverse. esrever.
i'm sort of afraid to do that...would i go back to being pissy about everything?!?
lord sammy, please give me some guidance.

PEOPLE!
holy shit the time has arrived. i have the blanco, the reposado AND the anejo ALL together in one place.
the power is amazing! it's like that picture of churchill, roosevelt, and stalin...



the shots are poured. the limes are sliced. the salt is ready. i can't believe this is happening!
OK, off to do this shit then i will be back to give all the details (if for some reason i don't come back,
it means that lord sammy has seen my devotion and instantly transported me to cabo heaven)....

DDDDDUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDDDDDDDDEEEEEEE!!!
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!
I AM FUCKING REBORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

let me tell you the details:

LICK. SLAM. SUCK.
LICK. SLAM. SUCK.
LICK. SLAM. SUCK.

fucking awesome!!!!
i am enlightened.
i feel like sammy is here with me. and i am talking to him. and he is listening. but he doesn't respond. he just nods in silent approval.
amen.

i failed to mention earlier that after i had made the fateful call to locate the anejo, i went to the grocery store and it was indeed a good salad day!
the cabo gods are smiling down upon me today...to celebrate i am currently WRECKED on waboritas!
sammy bless you.

THE SEARCH IS OVER

PEOPLE! the search for the elusive cabowabo anejo is over! today at lunch i called around to various liquor stores to inquire about their selection. my faith was tested numerous times. here's a transcript of the first call:

store employee: "hello, xxxxxx liquors, how may i help you?"
me: "yeah i'm calling to see if you have a specific tequila i'm looking for. it's called cabo wabo anejo."
e: "how do you spell 'tequila'?"
me: ".............."
i was speechless. at this point i thought she was fucking joking. you WORK in a LIQUOR store.
e: "how do you spell 'tequila'?"
me: ".........how do you spell 'tequila'???"
i was still dumfounded. is lord sammy mocking me? is this dumb bitch for real??
e: "yeah."
me: "uhhh. T-E-Q-U-I-L-A"
e: [shuffling of papers] "And what's it called?"
me: "Cabo Wabo. C-A-B-O W-A-B-O"
by now i'd pretty much accepted the fact that this call was futile...i didn't even specify the "anejo". i could sense that the power of cabo was weak with this one...if not altogether non-existant.
e: "nope. we don't have it."

disappointment. i was even doubting the overall purpose of my quest. is the anejo really that good? do i really NEED it in my life?? lord hagar, help me! He provided the answer: a resounding "YES!"

with a new found motivation and a refocus of energies i made more calls...FINALLY, i located the anejo!
AND they had four fucking bottles! NICE HIT! apparently the only four bottles in the tri-state area!
i asked them to hold one for me (i ain't made of money) and i'm picking it up on friday!!!
my faith in cabo wabo is TWICE as strong now! i believe sammy has rewarded me for my efforts...
the quest is not yet complete, but i can see the summit, and it is a beautiful sight!
OUTS!

i must say...progress on my pursuit of the trinity has been disappointing. i hit a liquor store in DE tonight. they had reposado, indeed. but no sign of the anejo.
tomorrow during lunch i'm calling around to liquor stores in PA, NJ, DE, possibly even MD to try and locate the 8th natural wonder of the world (the 7th being monica bellucci).
not to mention the fucking damiana!
i have some work to do...thank Sammy i don't have to fucking go to the studio the rest of the week and i can focus my efforts on the pursuit of alcohol!
word.

shit. fairly trashed on waboritas. let's see. went to the studio, had some beer. came home, was feeling....hmmm...hard to explain. just that "eh" feeling. could go to bed, could take a naked stroll by the nuclear power plant.
then He touched me. sammy wanted to speak. so i listened. "waborita", he said. "what was that my master?" i asked. he repeated: "waborita."
instantly i was on my way out the door to purchase limes (i wasn't wearing any pants). came home, made 2 AWESOME waboritas with blanco.
now, i am a new man. sleep? nah. layoffs at work? who cares!
cabo...once again, you have answered my prayers.

ok. we all know i love cabo. let's talk about one of my other loves...good salad bar days.
let's going over what that entails:
go to grocery store
walk to salad bar...notice that they've JUST replentished the caesar salad. NICE HIT! nice wedges of hard-boiled egg, slices of roasted red pepper, sufficient amounts of crutons, fresh (not soggy) lettuce, etc.
load up on that.
next, head down to the fruit and fill up on fruit salad and strawberries and all that other good shit!
THEN (this is key), head to the self-checkout line. whip through the entire checkout process in under 30 seconds.
walk out and get in car.

the best part about this is the ENTIRE trip is done without any interaction with humans!!!! no annoying check-out girl talking to you about your choice of salad...no old guy in front of you in line fiddling for hours with the credit card machine! in...out...eat.
ALL LUNCHTIME TRIPS SHOULD BE THIS EASY!!!!

ahhh...what a day. i came in to work and my next-cube neighbor informed me that he consumed some reposado this past weekend. AWESOME!!! he actually SOUGHT OUT the cabo on my recommendation. i feel like i've found my purpose in life.
in 2 weeks i have 2 friends coming up to visit, and they too will experience the waborita.
trinity update - this week i plan on scouring all liquor stores in the local area to try and locate the elusive anejo. i might have to travel out of state to complete my quest.
it will be tough, but i believe lord hagar is using this task to confirm my faith in cabo wabo. after He sees that i've purchased the anejo AND consumed the Trinity, i believe He will let me through the pearly gates of the Cabo Wabo Cantina.

hi. it's june 8th!
it's 60 degrees and cloudy! HELL-FUCKING-O?!?!?!?! i can't stand this weather (SRV). i'm moving to fucking cabo san lucas to be sammy hagar's live-in maid! i'm out of reposado. i still have 3/4 bottle of blanco left. i get paid on thursday. next weekend i am going on a mad quest to find and purchase:

a) blanco
b) reposado
c) anejo

next saturday just MIGHT be the day i attempt the trinity....hmmmm...no. i'm thinking friday night.

FRIDAY the 13th! NICE! trinity night. it's gonna be so awesome!!! MARK YOUR CALENDARS!!!
DAMMIT!

PEOPLE! i am doing my best to spread the cabo love here on the east coast! today i made waboritas for three of my friends and they were all VERY impressed. and i talk that shit up to everyone else to no end! i had two waboritas today and they were so incredibly awesome! they made my shit smell like roses!!!!
now everyone's passed out and i'm still up drinking. thank you sammy, for giving me this power!

the trinity. blanco. reposado. anejo. three shots. three steps to completeness. follow these three simple steps in succession and you too will be one with sammy.

lick slam suck.
lick slam suck.
lick slam suck.

that's it. that's ALL it takes to become completely enlightened. friends will notice the difference, but will not realize its magnitude. the opposite sex will flock to you. "is that a new tie?" "have you lost weight?" "how come you're not wearing any pants?" PANTS?!? WHO NEEDS PANTS WHEN YOU HAVE JUST CONSUMED THE TRINITY!!!!!

hi. i'm a screwhead dolt. here's why. i've been espousing the wonders of the waborita and how "enlightened" i get after just a couple. well, this evening my roommate pointed out to me that my shot glass is a double. so, in essence, my waboritas contain FOUR shots of the wonderful reposado...so it's no wonder that the night i had two in a mere two hours i ended up passed out on my dining room floor! EIGHT SHOTS OF THE GREATEST TEQUILA EVER! SAMMY BLESS YOU!!!!!

ok. let's get things straight. the greatest blog ever known to time and space is cabowabo.blogspot.com. i am back drinking coronas! now i am fairly wrecked. it is awesome. shot of reposado?!?! hmmm...interesting proposition.

families!
i'm enjoying some coronas with lime on this fine rainy saturday.
limes...is there anything they can't do?
you're probably wondering why i'm not using these limes to make waboritas...well i have somewheres to go tonight. if i start with the waboritas, i need to make a commitment to the waborita...and to sammy hagar. you can't just have one...sammy would cry (he wouldn't really...sammy doesn't cry, he just sweats tequila from his eye sockets). you need to dedicate an evening to the cabo. luckily for me, i've dedicated my LIFE to it...and to spreading the good word of cabo wabo.
may sammy hagar bless you the same way he has blessed me.

when life gives you lemons...make lemonade.
when life gives you limes...make WABORITAS dammit!!!
late.