express yourself

You know earlier when i was talking about my love for the self-checkout lines at grocery stores?
ok. i need to propose some changes...i don't know about your childhood, but for a couple years, i belonged to a swim club, and in order for them to be able to tell which kids could swim in which sections they implemented "the band system." basically you just wore a rubber/plastic band on your wrist or ankle that said if you were a fucking jellyfish or a shark.
if you had a yellow band, you were in the kiddie pool.
green band, fucking floating around the 3ft area with your floaties on!
red band, chillin in the 5-6 foot section and could dive off the spring board.
BLACK BAND, you are the fucking pool badass. spring board, high board, shallow end, deep end. shit, you're probably even nailin' some hot high school life guard ass behind the fucking snack bar!

i believe this system needs to be implemented when it comes to the self-checkout line at grocery stores.

today, i went for my typical salad lunch. fucking tear through the salad bar like i always do and head to self-checkout.

what is this? what's this crowd that's gathered? did someone die?

nope, just dumb fucks who have NO business using that shit holding up MY lunch! seriously...i'm in a major hurry to get back to work and do nothing.
here's what i propose. give everyone one of those bonus club card thingies.
at the start of every transaction, you have to swipe your card. if you don't have it: FUCK YOU!
program some sort of timer from the time the card is swiped to the time of the end of the transaction...average them out. at the end of every transaction tell the customer their time and their average time and their "EXPRESS YOURSELF LEVEL". then have DEDICATED express check-out machines for "super fucking express yourself badasses" like me!

when i get laid off i will get a job at a grocery store and implement this system!
out!

my job

here's a picture of me at work.

waborita choices

this is in response to the TRUE cabo master's question regarding my use of grand marnier in the waborita.
i apparently live in the fucking liquor ghetto. i have to drive 50 some miles just to get a god damn bottle of anejo. is it worth it? abso-fucking-lutely. i mean, i went to my closest liquor store the other day to get a bottle of reposado. it was the last one and i took it to the counter and the guy was like "i need to take your picture. YOU and ONE OTHER GUY have enough courage to buy this stuff." i'm like "motherfucker you better re-stock this shit wit da motherfucking quiknez cause i'll fucking tear it up in a weekend and see your ass on monday!"
my point being. i am TRYING. i can't even find orange citronge. i can't even get a fucking shit ass bottle of blue curacao without travelling to another fucking state.
i agree. f the fucking french. f grand marnier. f everything except for fucking sammy hagar, cabo wabo tequila and the band van halen at the exact moment that they were recording the song "cabo wabo". fucking seriously.
my shit-ass liquor store stocks fucking bullshit. i want to enlighten them, but no one around this area will appreciate it.
the GOOD news is, i was on the damiana site and saw that they have a distributor in DE. just a state or so away. so i will fucking seek that shit out!
so, cabo master, i hope you realize that you are fortunate to have the perfect waborita ingredients within arms reach...some of us are not so lucky, but we aspire to ONE DAY be like you!!!!!!!
FUCK YEAH!!!!

friday recap

friday MIGHT have been the greatest day so far in my relationship with cabo.
but let's jump back to thursday. after work, went to a work-related happy hour. it was about 107 degrees (heat index) and i was drinking coronas and shit and hanging out. left there around 10:45. came home, had 2 waboritas! so by this point i'm pretty trashed...wake up the next morning at like 9 fucking 30! very late! head to work, walk straight into my boss's office and say "uh, by the way, i'm taking a half day today."
proceed to accomplish nothing...just super dead tired and shit. so i leave around 2:30, go pick up some reposado and some coronas for friday evening. but i'm tired. so i get home, i'm thinking 2 hour nap then drink.
nope.
roommate comes home starts having coldies. now, it would be WRONG for me to let him drink alone right? so i fire up the waboritas. have 2. then we decide to go hit some golf balls (we live on a golf course). so we go out to the 3rd hole and start hitting around.
ok, aside time. friday was like thursday, fucking hot and humid and all this shit. but right around 7-7:30pm, cold front moves in, haze/humidity gone and it was absolutely the most perfect fucking weather known to man. it was fucking awesome.
ok, back to golf. so we're out there in this perfect weather, and we think "well, let's play a hole." so we go to the 4th (a par 4) and play it. then we're like "let's play another one." we played like 4-5 holes and it was fucking fun! FREE!!!! NICE HIT!!!!
so, we get in from golfing, so it's basically anejo shot time. do the shot.
ok. this is where things get interesting. i BELIEVE that i had at least 6 waboritas AFTER golf.
plus 2 shots of anejo
plus 2 coronas.

ok.

that makes:
8 waboritas total (16 shots of tequila)
2 anejo shots (2 shots of tequila)
2 beers (0 shots of tequila)

in one night. about from 4:30pm to 1am.

HOW AM I STILL FUCKING ALIVE?!?!?
i'll tell you how: cabo motherfucking wabo!

learn it, live it, love it!

AND IT'S 4:49AM on sunday AND I'M HAVING A WABORITA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cabo related thoughts

let's talk about adult A.D.D. i have made an important cabo-related decision. i believe i will be foregoing the salt on the rim of the waborita glass in the future. ok ok ok. i know what you're thinking, i am disrespected the sanctity of the waborita. but hear me out. why do we drink waboritas? to taste cabo (and to get totally fucking hammered). any additions to the mix just hide the true taste of the cabo. granted, sometimes the taste of cabo is ENHANCED by other flavors. it's a classic case of the whole being greater than the sum of its parts. but here's the thing. i think the salt is TOO much. let me refresh your fucking memory in case you are too damn IGNORANT to remember the waborita recipe:

1 shot FRESH-SQUEEZED lime juice
2 shots cabo wabo reposado
1/3 shot grand marnier

shake and pour into salt-rimmed martini glass. add a SPLASH of blue curacao.

the beauty of it is that it is simple. all the ingredients work together to create the most amazing liquid pleasure known to man. BUT.
BUT!

BUTT!!!!!!!

cabo is sweet and beautiful. the lime and the grand marnier provide that citrus-y/bitterness. the blue curacao is basically there for effect. it's like those snow cones with the gumball at the bottom.
my point here is: the salt adds TOO much bitterness. i've experimented with various amounts of salt. i've experimented with no salt at all. and i must say, i prefer the salt-free waborita.
every once in a while i will add salt to the rim for old times sake. but i would say, by default, my waboritas will be salt-less.

ALSO!

here's my question. when i make a waborita. it usually takes about 3/4 lime to squeeze a shot worth of juice. at the cabo wabo cantina, i would say a waborita gets ordered every 30 seconds. how do they provide the fresh-squeezed lime?
someone please answer me at cabofrigginwabo@yahoo.com.

time for another waborita!!!!!

I LOVE THE 80s!

seriously! anytime this stupid fucking show is on VH-1, i watch it.
i'm watching lionel richie right now...thankfully i'm drunk on cabo, so lionel still rules the bootyhole!
BUT, here you go...fucking "EASY" by the commodores is a kick-ass song and if you don't think so then fucking die young!
HOSTILE DRUNKENNESS RULEZ!!!!!

ketchup!

shit. let me start off by thanking the Cabo Fucking Master for getting me off my ass and posting. for like the past week i've been thinking "shit, i don't have anything to blog" but i now realize that i have a lot of fucking shit going on that is blog-worthy! and even if it's not you're gonna hear about it anyway so deal.
more conversion stories.

tough guy (not to be confused with tough nuts) and the stealth funk - a couple of my friends came into town this weekend and i knew it would be a prime time to perform a conversion or two...but we had some shit to do during the day saturday, so here's how i planned my attack! first, they were running a little late so we basically had to leave my house right after they got here, but i was smart. i pre-squeezed the limes (not too far in advance, so that shit was still fresh yo!) so when they got here all i had to do was mix, prepare the glasses and pour (and drink of course!) so we each had one waborita then headed on our way. out drinking and shit all day, get home. i start making a waborita. by this time, these guys were pretty tired, but they were inspired enough to ask for a waborita as well. so i made them one too. THEN, i break it out: the fucking anejo. i'm gonna do the ytinirt (that's "trinity" backwards for any screwhead dolts out there!) amazed and envious of my powers, my friends want to do shots with me, but they know they can't handle the trinity, so they each did a shot of anejo! fucking awesome!!!!

man, all this talk about conversions and shit has made me thirsty. WABORITA TIME, BABY!!!!!

CHECK IT!
i have been high on the cabo for like the last fucking week straight.
FUCK!
where to begin. let me just say, the fucking spread of the cabo word on the east coast is starting to get crazy! this is a full-time fucking job.
let's list my converts thus far:

my roommate - just returned from a 7 month stay in amsterdam, so you KNOW he knows quality shit. i started easy on him. i wasn't proclaiming the word like i do now. i was just dropping subtle hints: leaving limes on the counter, putting empty waborita glasses in the sink, removing all items from the fridge and leaving only an empty reposado bottle in there, walking around the house with no pants on. you get the picture.
eventually he got the picture, and i made him a waborita. can you say "INSTANT ENLIGHTENMENT"?!? now the guy is all over my fucking tequila (this is a problem). last night we were hanging out and he was like "i want to do the trinity!" i thought to myself "hmmm...can he HANDLE the trinity?" but i realized that sammy wants me to spread the word. sammy WANTS the cabo to be enjoyed by ALL enlightened people. so we did the trinity.
this just in: I WAS FUCKING HAMMERED!

my roommate's brother and friend - one rainy saturday, the boyz came over for some beers. feeling adventurous, i decided to try a TRIPLE conversion...
first, let them all SMELL the cabo. this is a key step. you don't want them going in cold...only because most people are afraid of tequila, because all their lives all they've drank is absolute SHIT WATER and they aren't prepared for the liquid gold that is cabo. so you want to prep them, sort of like saying: "by the way, you are about to drink the most fucking awesomest fucking drink in the history of all time AND space, fucknut, so be ready to wet yourself!"
after they all smelled the bottle (and were obviously impressed), i made them their first waboritas. they were amazed, but i wasn't quite sure if they had been converted yet, so i laid back a little, made some idle chatter, tried to get their vibe. then they asked for more cabo. my work was complete. the triple conversion had been executed.

my cube neighbor at work - now, this guy rarely drinks, if ever. but i started talking about cabo wabo at work (including it in network diagrams, database design docs, performance reviews, etc) and he was like "where can i get it? i love tequila." so one day i come into work and he's like "DUDE, i got some of the reposado last night. it was good." ok, "good" is hardly the word to describe the fucking AURA of cabo, but i let it slide...for NOW. so we talked about it for a while and i told him of my quest for anejo and shit. then a few days later he asked for the waborita recipe, so i sent him the "official" recipe (from cabowabo.com) and then my variation on it (basically, less lime). next day he comes in and says: "thanks for the recipe, i tried it last night...awesome!" i'm like that's cool. then he says, "i think i might have to take up drinking again."
OK, THAT is fucking huge. to this point, the conversions i've executed have been with people who were drinkers, i just showed them the error of their ways and pointed out that they need to focus their drinking efforts on cabo. in THIS dude's case, not only did i get him to drink cabo, BUT i got the guy fucking drinking again. ok, i shouldn't say "I" got him drinking again, i should say "lord sammy reached down and touched his soul."

i have more conversion stories but i'm gonna go do a shot of anejo right now! FUCK YEAH!

i am using a new blogging tool. what does this mean to YOU, the typical wang central reader? nothing.
thanks.

by the way. all you fuckers should be watching the food network right now in hopes that you MIGHT...MIGHT be lucky enough to catch a glimpse of sammy!
he's on there. check foodnetwork.com or whatever the fuck to find it....i can't spoonfeed you the ENTIRE way to enlightenment....part of the journey is venturing out on your own....JERKASS!

can you HANDLE the truth?
cause i'm ready to spew it.

that's what she said.

seriously folks, let's get serious. like phil collins.
for MONTHS i was down on EVERYTHING. job, band, life, lack of holes in which to stick my wang...
i can HONESTLY say (and i swear on lord hagar's grave (from which he shall be resurrected after his death))...since i did the trinity i have been a MUCH happier human.
i can't explain it...i really can't. my job is still the same. my band is still the same. i still lack wang-holes!
yet it is like i am floating above the rest of existance...
a friend of mine suggested something interesting the other day....do the trinity in reverse. esrever.
i'm sort of afraid to do that...would i go back to being pissy about everything?!?
lord sammy, please give me some guidance.

PEOPLE!
holy shit the time has arrived. i have the blanco, the reposado AND the anejo ALL together in one place.
the power is amazing! it's like that picture of churchill, roosevelt, and stalin...



the shots are poured. the limes are sliced. the salt is ready. i can't believe this is happening!
OK, off to do this shit then i will be back to give all the details (if for some reason i don't come back,
it means that lord sammy has seen my devotion and instantly transported me to cabo heaven)....

DDDDDUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDDDDDDDDEEEEEEE!!!
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!
I AM FUCKING REBORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

let me tell you the details:

LICK. SLAM. SUCK.
LICK. SLAM. SUCK.
LICK. SLAM. SUCK.

fucking awesome!!!!
i am enlightened.
i feel like sammy is here with me. and i am talking to him. and he is listening. but he doesn't respond. he just nods in silent approval.
amen.

i failed to mention earlier that after i had made the fateful call to locate the anejo, i went to the grocery store and it was indeed a good salad day!
the cabo gods are smiling down upon me today...to celebrate i am currently WRECKED on waboritas!
sammy bless you.

THE SEARCH IS OVER

PEOPLE! the search for the elusive cabowabo anejo is over! today at lunch i called around to various liquor stores to inquire about their selection. my faith was tested numerous times. here's a transcript of the first call:

store employee: "hello, xxxxxx liquors, how may i help you?"
me: "yeah i'm calling to see if you have a specific tequila i'm looking for. it's called cabo wabo anejo."
e: "how do you spell 'tequila'?"
me: ".............."
i was speechless. at this point i thought she was fucking joking. you WORK in a LIQUOR store.
e: "how do you spell 'tequila'?"
me: ".........how do you spell 'tequila'???"
i was still dumfounded. is lord sammy mocking me? is this dumb bitch for real??
e: "yeah."
me: "uhhh. T-E-Q-U-I-L-A"
e: [shuffling of papers] "And what's it called?"
me: "Cabo Wabo. C-A-B-O W-A-B-O"
by now i'd pretty much accepted the fact that this call was futile...i didn't even specify the "anejo". i could sense that the power of cabo was weak with this one...if not altogether non-existant.
e: "nope. we don't have it."

disappointment. i was even doubting the overall purpose of my quest. is the anejo really that good? do i really NEED it in my life?? lord hagar, help me! He provided the answer: a resounding "YES!"

with a new found motivation and a refocus of energies i made more calls...FINALLY, i located the anejo!
AND they had four fucking bottles! NICE HIT! apparently the only four bottles in the tri-state area!
i asked them to hold one for me (i ain't made of money) and i'm picking it up on friday!!!
my faith in cabo wabo is TWICE as strong now! i believe sammy has rewarded me for my efforts...
the quest is not yet complete, but i can see the summit, and it is a beautiful sight!
OUTS!

i must say...progress on my pursuit of the trinity has been disappointing. i hit a liquor store in DE tonight. they had reposado, indeed. but no sign of the anejo.
tomorrow during lunch i'm calling around to liquor stores in PA, NJ, DE, possibly even MD to try and locate the 8th natural wonder of the world (the 7th being monica bellucci).
not to mention the fucking damiana!
i have some work to do...thank Sammy i don't have to fucking go to the studio the rest of the week and i can focus my efforts on the pursuit of alcohol!
word.

shit. fairly trashed on waboritas. let's see. went to the studio, had some beer. came home, was feeling....hmmm...hard to explain. just that "eh" feeling. could go to bed, could take a naked stroll by the nuclear power plant.
then He touched me. sammy wanted to speak. so i listened. "waborita", he said. "what was that my master?" i asked. he repeated: "waborita."
instantly i was on my way out the door to purchase limes (i wasn't wearing any pants). came home, made 2 AWESOME waboritas with blanco.
now, i am a new man. sleep? nah. layoffs at work? who cares!
cabo...once again, you have answered my prayers.

ok. we all know i love cabo. let's talk about one of my other loves...good salad bar days.
let's going over what that entails:
go to grocery store
walk to salad bar...notice that they've JUST replentished the caesar salad. NICE HIT! nice wedges of hard-boiled egg, slices of roasted red pepper, sufficient amounts of crutons, fresh (not soggy) lettuce, etc.
load up on that.
next, head down to the fruit and fill up on fruit salad and strawberries and all that other good shit!
THEN (this is key), head to the self-checkout line. whip through the entire checkout process in under 30 seconds.
walk out and get in car.

the best part about this is the ENTIRE trip is done without any interaction with humans!!!! no annoying check-out girl talking to you about your choice of salad...no old guy in front of you in line fiddling for hours with the credit card machine! in...out...eat.
ALL LUNCHTIME TRIPS SHOULD BE THIS EASY!!!!

ahhh...what a day. i came in to work and my next-cube neighbor informed me that he consumed some reposado this past weekend. AWESOME!!! he actually SOUGHT OUT the cabo on my recommendation. i feel like i've found my purpose in life.
in 2 weeks i have 2 friends coming up to visit, and they too will experience the waborita.
trinity update - this week i plan on scouring all liquor stores in the local area to try and locate the elusive anejo. i might have to travel out of state to complete my quest.
it will be tough, but i believe lord hagar is using this task to confirm my faith in cabo wabo. after He sees that i've purchased the anejo AND consumed the Trinity, i believe He will let me through the pearly gates of the Cabo Wabo Cantina.

hi. it's june 8th!
it's 60 degrees and cloudy! HELL-FUCKING-O?!?!?!?! i can't stand this weather (SRV). i'm moving to fucking cabo san lucas to be sammy hagar's live-in maid! i'm out of reposado. i still have 3/4 bottle of blanco left. i get paid on thursday. next weekend i am going on a mad quest to find and purchase:

a) blanco
b) reposado
c) anejo

next saturday just MIGHT be the day i attempt the trinity....hmmmm...no. i'm thinking friday night.

FRIDAY the 13th! NICE! trinity night. it's gonna be so awesome!!! MARK YOUR CALENDARS!!!
DAMMIT!

PEOPLE! i am doing my best to spread the cabo love here on the east coast! today i made waboritas for three of my friends and they were all VERY impressed. and i talk that shit up to everyone else to no end! i had two waboritas today and they were so incredibly awesome! they made my shit smell like roses!!!!
now everyone's passed out and i'm still up drinking. thank you sammy, for giving me this power!

the trinity. blanco. reposado. anejo. three shots. three steps to completeness. follow these three simple steps in succession and you too will be one with sammy.

lick slam suck.
lick slam suck.
lick slam suck.

that's it. that's ALL it takes to become completely enlightened. friends will notice the difference, but will not realize its magnitude. the opposite sex will flock to you. "is that a new tie?" "have you lost weight?" "how come you're not wearing any pants?" PANTS?!? WHO NEEDS PANTS WHEN YOU HAVE JUST CONSUMED THE TRINITY!!!!!

hi. i'm a screwhead dolt. here's why. i've been espousing the wonders of the waborita and how "enlightened" i get after just a couple. well, this evening my roommate pointed out to me that my shot glass is a double. so, in essence, my waboritas contain FOUR shots of the wonderful reposado...so it's no wonder that the night i had two in a mere two hours i ended up passed out on my dining room floor! EIGHT SHOTS OF THE GREATEST TEQUILA EVER! SAMMY BLESS YOU!!!!!

ok. let's get things straight. the greatest blog ever known to time and space is cabowabo.blogspot.com. i am back drinking coronas! now i am fairly wrecked. it is awesome. shot of reposado?!?! hmmm...interesting proposition.