MARS! WHO CARES????

who cares? ME! that's who!

why, you ask?

well, let us please examine this article. NASA Says Second Mars Rover Experiencing Problems

that's 2 for 2. 100% failure. i like those odds. and here's why.

our fearless leader, GWB has proposed manned missions to mars! I PROPOSE THAT I AM ON THE FIRST FLIGHT OUT THERE!

it is obvious by now that i will not (as prophesized) be floating face-down in the pacific anytime soon! i tried. i went to the most dangerous beach in cabo san lucas but each time i got pulled under, sammy pulled me back up and said "no, my son. i have plans for you."

well, now it's all becoming clear. sammy wants me to spread the intergalactic word of cabo. and what better way to do that than burning up in the atmosphere (or lack thereof) of mars!

and in the hands of NASA, it's virtually a shoe-in that the mission will end in tragedy!

imagine the possibilities.....

and then it hit me....

some of you may or may not know that i am a fan of football. drunk guy made me rich with his weekly picks because he is one with cabo, and sammy is connected with all. as i was pondering this point and sipping a glass of cabo wabo reposado, i stumbled upon something interesting.

i am a fan of the philadelphia eagles. i was lucky enough to attend the divisional playoff against the packers. things were not looking good early, but late in the game....actually, right after the 2 minute warning in the 4th quarter, who comes over the stadium loudspeakers but sammy himself with his prophetic words "RIGHT NOW!" at that moment, i took a swig of cabo from my flask and knew that the eagles would win because sammy had reached down from the skies and touched them!

you're probably thinking to yourself "how does this help me? i, too, want to reap the financial gains as you have through sports gambling."

hahahaha! you are eager, my child.

well my friends, tough nuts has his OWN NFL prediction for this upcoming weekend. you see, now that the eagles are in the NFC championship game, they need only to defeat the panthers to move onto the super bowl in houston.

the super bowl in houston. think long and hard about that one and try to find the connection. drink a waborita if you must.

OUR LORD AND SAVIOR SAMMY HAGAR WILL BE PLAYING IN HOUSTON SUPER BOWL WEEKEND, FUCKOS!

so it is OBVIOUS that sammy wants the eagles to be there with him! that is why he carried them on his back to victory over the packers last weekend!

so follow drunk guy's instructions and take out ALL your savings, retirement, college fund for your kids, sell your wedding ring, sell your clothes, sell your children (if your children are female, mexican, and over 18, sell them to drunk guy) and put every penny you have on the eagles.

you can thank me later.

BUSH ANNOUNCES IMMIGRATION PLAN!

you know what this means?!?!

i can now hire hot illegal immigrant mexican bitches to be my cabobitches and they get all the rights of a legal worker for three years! then, when their three years are up, i get a fresh batch!

i love this fucking country!

SHOT TIME!

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS!

1. BLOG - yes it has been a while. die young. i am busy getting shitfaced.
2. DRINK MORE CABO WABO - i have a lot to live up to...i consumed 18+ bottles of cabo wabo in 2003. not bad considering i only started in may. i look to double my intake in 2004.

that's it!

for now, i shall leave you with a cabo wabo story. new year's eve i stop in the liquor store. of course tons of fucksticks are in there buying their shit liquor for the one time they get drunk a year. assfaces. they don't know that alcoholism is a YEAR ROUND pursuit.

anyway, i make my way to the tequila section and grab a bottle of cabo wabo reposado.

to celebrate the new year, you ask?

no.

to drown my sorrows re: the fact that i did not die in 2003. fuckhead.

so i stand in line for about 30 minutes and finally make it up to the counter and the people working the counter are talking about how much they can't wait to get drunk (i agree) and talking about when people bring up good shit, that makes it even worse (they go out of their way to point out the cabo wabo, so i give them props for that).

then, as the dude rings me up and the girl bags my cabo, she says "you're not gonna mix this with anything right? cause i wouldn't give it to you if you're going to."

ok, i know she means well, and i give her credit for being cabo elitist. but for her to be SO FUCKING IGNORANT that i am a cabomaster is unforgivable. i've been THE REASON that store even stocks cabo.

i look at her.

i look at the line of 50 people behind me.

i consult sammy.

i say: "no" and walk out the door.

now, some of you might think, "you should've killed her right then and there for even making such a statement"...and i agree with you.

but, i too have been in long lines and hate dealing with people at the counter airing out their bullshit. they all should die. so i let it be...for NOW! if that bitch disrespects me one more time, she's getting a stern lecture about cabo wabo and a fist in the face!

happy new year!